It’s been over a month since my last bout. I knew it was time to leave roller derby. The past year had been really difficult for me. No one is ever ready for the stress of serving on the board of their roller derby league. Some people think they may know what it’s going to be like, but really you don’t. But this isn’t about why I left. This is about who I am … or who I don’t know that I am.
I had plans for when I left derby. I was going to read more, play my marimba again, reach out to friends more, get enough sleep, and go back to grad school! All these plans!
Well, I haven’t been reading more. I haven’t even uncovered my marimba. Sure I’ve been seeing friends more and sleeping like a regular human, but plans to go back to grad school are on hold while this funding thing gets worked out.
I’ve been losing interest in things recently. I’ve cancelled on friends. I haven’t felt like going out as much. I feel lonely. My schedule isn’t as crammed full of stuff to keep me distracted from underlying questions of, Who are my real friends? What should I be doing with my life? Should I buy a home? Am I going to be living here in five years?
Work has become less pleasant. I’m not sure if it’s the job or if I’m just not happy. Honestly, it seems a little of both. There are always going to be people you don’t see eye to eye with at any job you go to, but maybe because I have time to notice it, it seems worse.
My relationship with my mother seems like it needs some serious attention. There are traits I see in her that concern me because I’m concerned about my mother’s health. What’s more frustrating is that I see some of those traits in myself, and I’m resentful that she raised me like that.
My boyfriend seems more patient with my weird mood swings now than he was listening to me rant about how dumb all my meetings and commitments were. Even then he was making time to see me around my weird roller derby schedule. That should really tell you how crazy I feel with this void.
I spend an awful lot of time doing things for other people, being bossed around by other people, and right now I don’t feel like I have control of anything even myself. I’m not feeling much like HAM Slamwich or even Heather. Who is that person anyway? I don’t know.
It feels like the power and sense of accomplishment I had felt when I was blocking, when I was serving on the league’s board, when I was rehabbing my injuries, that is fading into the monotony of Bruce Wayne giving way from the excitement and importance of Batman. Okay, that’s an exaggeration. I was never as awesome as Batman, and I certainly don’t have Bruce Wayne’s money.
I’m not really sure what I’m doing or where I’m going. If you have a clue, let me know.